The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
