trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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