census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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