i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
