Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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