They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
