I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
