I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you had me at cake vodka
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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