last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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