OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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