Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His nipple licking is glorious
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