I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
