If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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