Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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