just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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