I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
