I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
