Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
