My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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