Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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