seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
