We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
