The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
