I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I didn't notice because vodka
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
