I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
