I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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