The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
