Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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