Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
