chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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