Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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