There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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