In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
