Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
