my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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