Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Boobs speak an international language.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
FUCK WHALES
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
