Your face is a jimmy john
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
