We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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