Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
