i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
