You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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