If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
