I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
