I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
