Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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