I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
