Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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