I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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