May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
