I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize