he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
