She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
