I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
