last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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