The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
