Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
