if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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